🇬🇧 27 toxic references of love

Many things that some of us grew up believing to be love, because we saw examples of “love” in our family, in movies, on TV, in music, etc., are toxic, disrespectful behaviors that do not foster a healthy relationship. This is probably why the divorce rate is high and the number of people from the new generations who are not interested in getting married is also considerable. But no one needs to live as a slave to these limiting beliefs.

I am Nycka Nunes, a visual artist and in this blog I talk about art, what inspires me, what makes me reflect and who I am. I practice ethical polyamory, so when I talk about love, I am not limiting myself to the love of romantic relationships, I am talking about all types of love, because for me there is only one type of love, and what differentiates a friend from a boyfriend are other things, which include sexual attraction, but are not limited to it.

Below are 27 toxic references of love that may be preventing you from having an authentic and satisfying life.

1. Feelings of possession are not love. Many people raise their children as objects, usually seeking only to be obeyed and satisfied by their children, and so the children grow up thinking that treating others as objects is a sign of love. It is not.
2. Frequent fights are not signs of love. They are usually signs of incompatibility. Again, it is a false reference to love that may come from the way the person was raised by abusive parents. 
3. Avoiding disagreeing with the other is not a sign of love. It is a lack of self-love.
4. Excessive control of the other, of what they do, with whom, what they wear, etc. is not love. It is a feeling of possession.
5. Not knowing how to imagine your life without the other is not love. It is emotional dependence, low self-esteem, rejection trauma, among other possible causes.
6. Lack of privacy (such as wanting to know the other's passwords or sharing yours) is not love.
7. When the other distances you from your friendships or interferes in your friendships is not a sign of love. Wanting to distance the other from their friendships or interfere in their friendships is not either.
8. Keeping you from your hobbies is not love. Wanting to keep the other person away from their hobbies is also not love.
9. Wanting to define what is best for the other person is not love. It is a variation of the feeling of possession.
10. Thinking that you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy is a sign that you do not know what love is and do not have self-love.
11. Not offering support to your partner when you know that he/she is having problems is not love, it is neglect. The same goes for when the person having problems is a friend. You cannot consider yourself someone's friend if you are not capable of supporting them in times of difficulty. Wanting the person around only when they are well is a form of objectification.
12. Not talking about your problems to your partner is not love. Read the topic above and, if you have reasons not to tell them, you also have reasons not to be in a relationship with that person anymore.
13. Getting into a relationship with someone without having in mind what you want for the future, for the relationship, without evaluating whether that person fits your vision of the future, your compatibilities and incompatibilities, is not love. This applies to all types of relationships, including friendships.
14. Starting a relationship without a clear vision of your goals, expectations, limits, etc. is not love.
15. Neglecting yourself to please the other person is not love, even though a healthy relationship has room for each person to develop, change, grow, and adopt new habits. Knowing the limit between sacrificing yourself and seeking to expand your repertoire is essential.
16. Psychological abuse (swearing, humiliation, threats, etc.) is not love. In the context of consensual BDSM, this is valid. Outside of that, it is not.
17. Financial abuse (controlling the other person's finances and assets) is not love.
18. Physical violence or the use of physical force to control the other person or interfere in the other person's relationships is not love.
19. Negligence is not love.
20. Disrespecting the other person's boundaries is not love. Boundaries should be respected even when you do not love the other person. Disrespecting boundaries is a sign of a lack of character.
21. Playing emotional games is not love.
22. Saying no when you mean yes and vice versa is not love or a sign of interest. It is a sign of immaturity.
23. Having no boundaries is not love, it is immaturity, low self-esteem and desperation.
24. Caring about the age difference in a relationship between adults is not love. Age is not relevant in a relationship between adults. Age is not synonymous with emotional maturity. Emotional maturity requires effort. Age only requires watching time pass.
25. Thinking that whoever has more money in the relationship, even temporarily, owns the other person and has the right to control or humiliate them is not love.
26. Meddling in someone else's life to "help", without asking if the person wants that kind of help, is not love. This includes things like trying to force the person to get close to someone they hate, or trying to get the person a job without knowing if they want that kind of job, for example.
27. Putting a hierarchy on love is an outdated belief. Thinking that a boyfriend or girlfriend is more important than friends (or vice versa) is a mistaken view of love, from someone who has never experienced it and just follows what others say, without thinking.

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Nycka Nunes

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🇬🇧 What inspires me: Strictly Ballroom

Continuing to talk about films that inspire me, today I remembered a film that had a big impact on me when it was released in 1992 and from then on.

I am Nycka Nunes, a visual artist/photographer, and in this blog I talk about various topics related to my work.

The film “Strictly Ballroom” tells the story of a family of dancers, where the son, Scott, was raised to be a champion in ballroom dancing competitions. However, Scott does not want to follow steps choreographed by others. He wants to dance his own steps. Nothing unusual for creative minds and intelligent people.

His dance partner, as well as his mother, do not support the idea. When he has the opportunity to dance with another promising dancer, his dance partner abandons Scott. The one who offers to dance with him is Fran, a beginner dancer. However, he accepts to rehearse with her. The evolution of the relationship between the two is interesting, but the analysis of the reasons for the family's tantrum when they found out that he wanted to dance his own steps, and also when they found out that he would be dancing with a beginner, is perhaps the most interesting part of the film.

The aesthetics, very much linked to the 80s, do not appeal to me in several aspects (I have a certain aversion to 80s fashion. Not a total aversion, but it exists), so it is not a film that is an aesthetic inspiration for me in general.

The world of art always brings me inspiration and this film, watched when I was still a teenager, has always been an inspiration for me to follow a path of “dancing my own steps”, sometimes having support from places I never imagined. Science has also confirmed that we are all born with unique characteristics, no one is born as a blank slate, and, therefore, self-knowledge is a necessary journey for any adult who does not want to be seen as an imbecile by others. Read the “Maecenasship” page of this blog to learn how to contribute to the realization of my projects. The “Buy art here” page offers the option to purchase my artworks that are available.

Nycka Nunes

🇬🇧 What inspires me: Noi siamo tempesta

In October I received a book called “Noi siamo tempesta” (We are storms) by Italian writer Michela Murgia as a gift. Although it took me a while to start reading the book, it was a smooth and fast read. The content is very good. That’s what I’m going to talk about today.

I’m Nycka Nunes, a visual artist who has been fascinated by fashion and various forms of art since I was a child. In this blog I talk about my work, what inspires me and a little bit about my lifestyle as part of what inspires me. To sponsor content, read the “Maecenasship” page and watch your brand reach more than seventeen thousand unique followers and millions of people per year.

I read the book in its original language (Italian). The work contains several short, more or less fictitious stories of real situations where the union between different people brought about a grand result. After the more or less fictitious narrative comes an explanation of the event. My favorite story tells, in a light-hearted way, the challenges faced by artist Maria Lai in creating the work “Legarsi alla montagna” (bond with the mountain), showing the difficulties the artist had in uniting the people of the small town where she was born to create the work.

This story caught my attention not only because it is about art, but also because it shows the difficulties in relationships that exist even among family members and close people when everyone just wants to be right, as if life were a multiple-choice test where there is only one right answer for each question. Life requires flexibility and the book shows that respect and using differences between people to build something relevant is very important. Each person has their own value.

The story of the Naples zoo also enchanted me and made me curious to visit the place.

I don't know if it is available in other languages. For those who can read Italian, I recommend it. If you don't speak Italian and find it in other languages ​​that you are fluent in, it is also worth reading (I prefer to read in the original language whenever possible, but if that is not possible... reading is never bad).

My artwork “Bonds and knots” deals with a similar theme and you can purchase it here.

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To contribute to the realization of my artistic projects, read the "Maecenasship" page.

Nycka Nunes

🇬🇧 What inspires me: A good year

In keeping with my goal of focusing on my artistic work, I have chosen to concentrate the blog content on topics related to what inspires me as an artist. Let's figure out together how often I can create content to keep my artistic work as the focus. From today on, I will share movies, books, trips, theater and musical performances, and other experiences that have had, are having, or will have an impact on my artistic work, with my point of view on the topic and, when it makes sense, relating the content to works of art that I have already created, artistic projects that I am developing, etc.

I am Nycka Nunes, a visual artist, graduated in advertising and marketing, with multiple talents. If you were or had been my classmate in school, you would know that I was among the best students in almost everything (in fact, in everything that interested me. I have). I have liked art since I was a child and today I am going to talk about a movie that I love, starring Russell Crowe, and it is not “Gladiator”. I am going to talk about “A Good Year”. The film tells the story of Max Skinner, who, as a child, used to visit his uncle's winery in the south of France. Years later, Max, now a successful financial professional in London, inherits his uncle's winery. The trip to take care of the bureaucratic procedures does not go as expected and the experience changes Max's perception of the purpose of money. Perhaps this has gone unnoticed by some film critics. They are film critics, I am an artist. And the point that shows this change in perception is summarized in two scenes, in the second half of the film, I think. I am writing from memory, without rewatching the film to note details. The first scene is when Max is talking to his boss in London, in the boss's office, after returning from France. On the wall there is a huge Van Gogh. Max makes a comment about the painting. The boss says it is a copy and the original is locked in a safe. Max then asks when the boss appreciates the original. This is perhaps my favorite scene in the film, because of the depth of meaning in such a short scene. Shortly after, the second scene comes, which shows Max arriving at the restaurant with the painting (if I say more than that, it will be a spoiler, so watch the film).

The purpose of money is to allow us and those we love to enjoy the best it can offer us. I learned this from my father. Max, whose uncle owned one of the most awarded wineries in France, certainly also learned this from birth, and perhaps adult life robbed him of the pleasure of certain experiences, and the trip to France made him reconnect with them. Sometimes the rush of work, the pressure (internal or external) to be successful professionally, among other things, take our focus away from what really matters. And life without art, without refinement, without this search for better experiences, is animalized, ugly, vulgar.

Respect the copyright. The total or partial reproduction of this text is only permitted with written authorization from the author, specifying the use and period.

Nycka Nunes

🇬🇧 The artist's hobbies

Some people tend to see art as a hobby. For me, it's work. And what are my hobbies?

I'm Nycka Nunes, a visual artist with a focus on photography, a degree in advertising, and in this text I'm going to tell you a little about my hobbies.

I started working when I was 5 years old. From a very young age, literature, music, and cinema were hobbies that I loved. And also spending time with my pets. These 4 interests have always been part of my life.

During my childhood and adolescence, I had a huge variety of pets. Cows, horses, guinea pigs, rabbits, Australian parakeets, goats, sheep, fish, and, of course, dogs. There were cats on the farm, but they weren't docile. They would come to eat, and then go about their own business. Cats as pets came into my life in 2011. Dogs, cats, and horses are the animals I love the most.

As a child, I studied piano, my great passion in music, but I stopped the course unmotivated because I didn't have a piano at home to study. I also studied ballet, recorder and acoustic guitar. The latter, when I was 14 years old. Of these experiences, only the piano attracted me.

As a child, I played soccer with the neighbourhood boys. I also played dodgeball with the boys and two other girls. At school, I avoided playing sports. I loved walking with my dog. Or without him. It was always more fun with him. I also love riding a bike. I recently discovered bikejoring and since I'm interested in having a large dog to accompany me when I go out to take pictures, it could be an interesting option to practice with him too. After stopping doing regular physical activities during the pandemic, I still haven't gotten back to my normal rhythm and I'm missing it. I think that just going to the gym would be boring. Things to do with my next dog excite me more. Something from the gym too, possibly weight training. I just don't want to do only that and limit physical activities to a closed space.

I'm researching the dog breed that best suits what I have in mind. At the moment, the Kuvasz seems to be my ideal photography assistant. I'm willing to launch the trend of acquiring dogs thinking about the behavioural characteristics of the breed, seeking alignment with the owner's lifestyle, and not just a cute appearance.

In addition, playing video games and attending cultural activities are other hobbies that I enjoy. And also cooking, when I can use my creativity to create recipes, or when I try recipes that I haven't yet tried. It's not something I like to do every day. I prefer to eat at good restaurants. But when creativity comes into play, I let it run wild.

I have several interests that I haven't put into practice yet, and I like to be open to learning about other possibilities. Share your hobbies in the comments. Maybe they'll inspire me or someone else.

Companies interested in promoting their products and services related to hobbies can read the "Maecenasship" page to find out how I can inspire new content on the subject.

Nycka Nunes