🇬🇧 How BDSM helped me have a more meaningful love life and strengthen my self-esteem

This is a text about how BDSM helped me have a more meaningful love life and strengthen my self-esteem. The influences of this reference appear subtly in the artworks of the project “The Many Nuances of Love”, which is in the fundraising phase and you can contribute to its implementation. Find out how here. You don't need to understand or agree with my experiences to contribute, because I make art - and content - to generate reflection, not to define how others should live their lives. I know that my experiences and points of view are valid, and that, for some, they may mean something very different from the reality they know, generating reflections that contribute to their personal development.

Knowing what BDSM is is irrelevant to understanding the context of this post. If you are curious, follow my profiles on social networks and I can talk more about the subject at other times.

I am Nycka Nunes, a visual artist and in this blog I share my life experiences, reflections, travels, inspirations and other issues related to my artistic work.

1. BDSM was my first step towards learning about ethical non-monogamous relationships and finding relationship references that made sense to me. When we only know one option, we think we are living a choice, but in reality we live without choice. I never saw any sense in monogamous relationships, in leaving a person we love because we also love a second person. I have had this in mind since early adolescence and while I tried to be monogamous due to a lack of knowledge of other options and a lack of self-esteem to position myself and express my thoughts, my relationships did not last and were empty.
2. BDSM was also the first step towards me putting my pleasure first. Coming from a partially abusive family, and unfortunately living much more with the abusive part, this means a lot.
3. BDSM helped me have a more creative sex life. Until then, sex with men was something mechanical and boring because most of them use a porn-based script as a reference and do not consider the pleasure of the woman they are with. They just act as if we are all the same. I still didn't allow myself to experience things with women and I didn't have much knowledge about what gave me pleasure to guide them.
4. Once, when I was talking to a Domme, she mentioned that she wanted to wear leather clothes all the time. Being a stylist at the time, I didn't understand what was stopping her. Maybe the type of leather clothes she had in mind was different from what I knew was appropriate enough for her professional activity (which required formal attire, and there are formal leather clothes!). That conversation, combined with other things related to my healing process from family abuse, made me realize that I don't want to live in hiding, to be a Domme whose boyfriend pretends to be macho in public and becomes a puppy behind closed doors, or who has subs who only serve me in casual encounters. I don't even like the stereotype of a macho man. And I also don't like that kind of theater and I like real emotional involvement. A man who is submissive to his partner is not a man who is submissive to everything and everyone, he is a man who puts his partner's pleasure first and enjoys it.
5. I am not particularly attracted to crossdressing. I like men who have their feminine side well-resolved, who do not try to appear macho, nor are fixated on a stereotype of femininity. A man who is not afraid to be authentic, does not worry about “what will others think?” and does not stick to stereotypes, to a manual on “how to be a man” taught by parents with limited mentality. I see crossdressing and transsexuality as ways of stereotyping genders and this goes against any notion of authenticity (my work “Unyckeness” deals with this topic).
6. By expanding my repertoire through knowledge about ethical non-monogamous relationships and BDSM, I had clear examples to reinforce the belief that being the way I am is perfectly normal and acceptable, and that following the crowd without making it a real choice, just to fit in, is disrespectful to oneself.
7. Overcoming the feelings of not fitting in, I realized that love alone is not enough for a relationship to work. Other important elements are needed. And I started to evaluate these elements when I meet someone.

I believe that expanding one's repertoire in various areas of life is important for any human being to have a meaningful life, and not just the life of a robot who only knows how to follow the crowd without knowing where it will end up. And appreciating art has to do with appreciating critical thinking and the ability to expand one's repertoire and make conscious decisions.

Read the “Maecenasship” page to learn how to support my work. To purchase artwork that has already been created, read the “Buy art here” page. To order exclusive artwork, an artistic photoshoot, and other services, see the services page.

For those who think that talking about my romantic and sexual experiences is oversharing, I think that not talking about it is repressing yourself too much.

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Nycka Nunes

nycka@nyckanunes.art